A Diary...

Oct 21

I need…

…a travel partner <3

The Loneliness…

…strikes again. Boredom. I miss having someone. Only sometimes. 

I am a slave to my job (but i like it). I go to bed at 9pm, wake up at 5:30am and work from 7-4. 

But for those 5 hours I get a day and the weekends, it would be nice to have someone. Sometimes. A sleeping partner even. 

God, this sounds pathetic. I just don’t have time for a partner. Casual lover? Maybe? I am not ready for commitment, I know that for sure. It’s to early. Wounds are still fresh from the last one. 

So what now? Just be lonely? Just be bored? Shouldn’t I be living? Being responsible sucks. Everyone is growing up and I am starting over again.

Maybe I can just rent a “cuddle buddy”and shut the fuck up. 

Oct 16


Detail at Julien Macdonald Spring Summer 2015 | LFW


Detail at Julien Macdonald Spring Summer 2015 | LFW

(via mariplopis)

Oct 03

Hold me…

I wish I had someone to hold all my pieces together right now. I am so sad. 

The dust is starting to settle from this recent relationship exit but I have to get rid of my dogs. I live with mom again and work 9 hours a day. They have nothing to do, no one to love them while I’m gone. She won’t let me keep them here and I can’t afford day care. I don’t make enough to get a place of my own, and I make too much to get an “affordable house” or HUD home. Pits are banned everywhere as it is. I’m just screwed and my only option is to give them away. At least to a home that will give them more attention and love. The ex won’t keep them so I have to make the decision and it’s killing me.

This is heartbreaking. Help me.

Sep 25

An update…

I’m over it, being sad. I ran into someone who reminded me why the grief is not necessary.

"Nostalgia is a dirty liar that makes you think the past was better than reality." 

I am more at peace with my life now and happy about where I’m headed. But can I be more? Way more? I think so.

I have been catching up with a guy I dated before this last nut-job, and he is doing well. Much better than he was when we dated. Why the hell does it take a break up for them to get it together? We reminisce and if feels great to catch up. I’m not ready for anything serious though, I need to get my shit together this time around. 

All I want is to buy a house. That is my first goal. :-)

Sep 19

(Source: jointhereformation)

Sep 16


It has become easier. I am less lonely. I am filling up my time with whatever makes me happy. Exercise, books, friends, shopping, wine :) But there are some moments where I am lost again, not sad, just a little lonely. Maybe it’s boredom. 

I miss being in love. Like it always is in the beginning, the chemicals. I want them! haha. Only, I want it to last this time around. Is it better to ration your love and make it last, never bursting out of your shell (although your heart feels that way!), or bring out all your tricks right away for the fun of it?

On the other hand, I am not ready to start dating yet. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the last relationship now. What a fucking mess. I can’t shake him, and yes, I feel bad that he is sad & lonely, but he shouldn’t have treated me so bad. What the hell was I thinking staying w/ him so long??? I was brainwashed and I’m just starting to recuperate.  

I see my therapist on Friday again. I wonder what wise words she’ll have for me this time. 

Sep 13


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