A Diary...

Sep 16

Loneliness…

It has become easier. I am less lonely. I am filling up my time with whatever makes me happy. Exercise, books, friends, shopping, wine :) But there are some moments where I am lost again, not sad, just a little lonely. Maybe it’s boredom. 

I miss being in love. Like it always is in the beginning, the chemicals. I want them! haha. Only, I want it to last this time around. Is it better to ration your love and make it last, never bursting out of your shell (although your heart feels that way!), or bring out all your tricks right away for the fun of it?

On the other hand, I am not ready to start dating yet. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the last relationship now. What a fucking mess. I can’t shake him, and yes, I feel bad that he is sad & lonely, but he shouldn’t have treated me so bad. What the hell was I thinking staying w/ him so long??? I was brainwashed and I’m just starting to recuperate.  

I see my therapist on Friday again. I wonder what wise words she’ll have for me this time. 

Sep 13

[video]

Thailand’s White Temple Looks Like It Came Down From Heaven -

17 Of The Most Unusual Beaches Around The World -

Sep 12

Therapy, round 1…

I went to therapy today and it was great! The therapist opened my eyes to some things I needed to hear.

I am not crazy, I deserve better, and I’m not broken. My past is something I will have to deal with, but it gets easier, let yourself cry. Remember what makes ME happy in life, do those things, treat myself to happiness. Me being happy will make others happy too and love will find me in no time!

Just make time to be sad or it will build up so much that you’ll have a break down. Have a good cry once in a while. It’s ok. You’ve got to balance your feelings/emotions, you can’t hide the hurt under a smile all the time. You’ve been through something tragic and everyone grieves differently. Time helps but you must manage your pain. You’re going to be fine, you can handle this. 

Sep 08

So I got a raise…

which throws me into the next tax bracket, therefore I will not really make that much more. The only this will do is give me more CREDIT to buy a house but still won’t be able to AFFORD it. Great, thanks America.

In other news, tonight is therapy, if I chose to go. Not exactly excited about crying in front of people for two hours or showing up alone. Really, really not excited. Just scared and nervous. So what do I do? Go once and confirm my commitment problems for sure, or find a single therapist to listen to my bullshit for $$$$??

Is it true I can’t ignore the grieving process, I can’t keep numbing it by blocking memories? Would a 13 week course really get all this mourning out of me for good? I’m sick of crying about it, why do I need to do more of that, and in front of a group?

Sep 04

True Love…

Do you get to have that twice in a lifetime?

Loss of a loved one…

Have you ever been so sad that your life hurts? Like you literally feel your heart ache. While I sit here at my desk “working” I can feel it, just pure pain. No one knows that I have lost someone and at the same time broken up with someone, but I quietly cry here, daily.
 
Breaking up is heard enough in itself. Being alone. Missing the comfort of company and laughter. But going back into mourning over my soul mate who has passed is killing me. All this sadness at once. I don’t think I ever really dealt with the grief properly, I didn’t give myself any time to think about it. I threw myself into relationships and work and sometimes alcohol. Now, after realizing that this recent relationship was just another a numbing tool, it’s hitting me hard. Utter heartbreak.
 
My friends say I need therapy, I know I do, but I’m hoping that writing this diary will help me cope. Please ’ignore’ me on here if I’m a downer. I hate feeling this way, it’s bullshit.

Feb 15

Seriously, I hope to see every girl with this look in Fall 2012!  So Sexy.

Seriously, I hope to see every girl with this look in Fall 2012!  So Sexy.

Feb 13

NYC Fashion Week 2012 (so far)

As much as I love spring & summer, I cannot wait to see this fall’s clothing in stores. The female silhouette is in full force! And half way through the week of shows, I’ve seen enough to know that I need to start saving money now.

I’ve posted some pics below of the expected awesome-ness!

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