An update…

I’m over it, being sad. I ran into someone who reminded me why the grief is not necessary.

"Nostalgia is a dirty liar that makes you think the past was better than reality." 

I am more at peace with my life now and happy about where I’m headed. But can I be more? Way more? I think so.

I have been catching up with a guy I dated before this last nut-job, and he is doing well. Much better than he was when we dated. Why the hell does it take a break up for them to get it together? We reminisce and if feels great to catch up. I’m not ready for anything serious though, I need to get my shit together this time around. 

All I want is to buy a house. That is my first goal. :-)

(Reblogged from jointhereformation)

Loneliness…

It has become easier. I am less lonely. I am filling up my time with whatever makes me happy. Exercise, books, friends, shopping, wine :) But there are some moments where I am lost again, not sad, just a little lonely. Maybe it’s boredom. 

I miss being in love. Like it always is in the beginning, the chemicals. I want them! haha. Only, I want it to last this time around. Is it better to ration your love and make it last, never bursting out of your shell (although your heart feels that way!), or bring out all your tricks right away for the fun of it?

On the other hand, I am not ready to start dating yet. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the last relationship now. What a fucking mess. I can’t shake him, and yes, I feel bad that he is sad & lonely, but he shouldn’t have treated me so bad. What the hell was I thinking staying w/ him so long??? I was brainwashed and I’m just starting to recuperate.  

I see my therapist on Friday again. I wonder what wise words she’ll have for me this time. 

Reggie Watts jams out with one of his original songs.

(Source: Yahoo!)

Therapy, round 1…

I went to therapy today and it was great! The therapist opened my eyes to some things I needed to hear.

I am not crazy, I deserve better, and I’m not broken. My past is something I will have to deal with, but it gets easier, let yourself cry. Remember what makes ME happy in life, do those things, treat myself to happiness. Me being happy will make others happy too and love will find me in no time!

Just make time to be sad or it will build up so much that you’ll have a break down. Have a good cry once in a while. It’s ok. You’ve got to balance your feelings/emotions, you can’t hide the hurt under a smile all the time. You’ve been through something tragic and everyone grieves differently. Time helps but you must manage your pain. You’re going to be fine, you can handle this. 

So I got a raise…

which throws me into the next tax bracket, therefore I will not really make that much more. The only this will do is give me more CREDIT to buy a house but still won’t be able to AFFORD it. Great, thanks America.

In other news, tonight is therapy, if I chose to go. Not exactly excited about crying in front of people for two hours or showing up alone. Really, really not excited. Just scared and nervous. So what do I do? Go once and confirm my commitment problems for sure, or find a single therapist to listen to my bullshit for $$$$??

Is it true I can’t ignore the grieving process, I can’t keep numbing it by blocking memories? Would a 13 week course really get all this mourning out of me for good? I’m sick of crying about it, why do I need to do more of that, and in front of a group?

True Love…

Do you get to have that twice in a lifetime?

Loss of a loved one…

Have you ever been so sad that your life hurts? Like you literally feel your heart ache. While I sit here at my desk “working” I can feel it, just pure pain. No one knows that I have lost someone and at the same time broken up with someone, but I quietly cry here, daily.
 
Breaking up is heard enough in itself. Being alone. Missing the comfort of company and laughter. But going back into mourning over my soul mate who has passed is killing me. All this sadness at once. I don’t think I ever really dealt with the grief properly, I didn’t give myself any time to think about it. I threw myself into relationships and work and sometimes alcohol. Now, after realizing that this recent relationship was just another a numbing tool, it’s hitting me hard. Utter heartbreak.
 
My friends say I need therapy, I know I do, but I’m hoping that writing this diary will help me cope. Please ’ignore’ me on here if I’m a downer. I hate feeling this way, it’s bullshit.