fashioninquality:

Detail at Julien Macdonald Spring Summer 2015 | LFW

(Reblogged from mariplopis)

Hold me…

I wish I had someone to hold all my pieces together right now. I am so sad. 

The dust is starting to settle from this recent relationship exit but I have to get rid of my dogs. I live with mom again and work 9 hours a day. They have nothing to do, no one to love them while I’m gone. She won’t let me keep them here and I can’t afford day care. I don’t make enough to get a place of my own, and I make too much to get an “affordable house” or HUD home. Pits are banned everywhere as it is. I’m just screwed and my only option is to give them away. At least to a home that will give them more attention and love. The ex won’t keep them so I have to make the decision and it’s killing me.

This is heartbreaking. Help me.

An update…

I’m over it, being sad. I ran into someone who reminded me why the grief is not necessary.

"Nostalgia is a dirty liar that makes you think the past was better than reality." 

I am more at peace with my life now and happy about where I’m headed. But can I be more? Way more? I think so.

I have been catching up with a guy I dated before this last nut-job, and he is doing well. Much better than he was when we dated. Why the hell does it take a break up for them to get it together? We reminisce and if feels great to catch up. I’m not ready for anything serious though, I need to get my shit together this time around. 

All I want is to buy a house. That is my first goal. :-)

(Reblogged from jointhereformation)

Loneliness…

It has become easier. I am less lonely. I am filling up my time with whatever makes me happy. Exercise, books, friends, shopping, wine :) But there are some moments where I am lost again, not sad, just a little lonely. Maybe it’s boredom. 

I miss being in love. Like it always is in the beginning, the chemicals. I want them! haha. Only, I want it to last this time around. Is it better to ration your love and make it last, never bursting out of your shell (although your heart feels that way!), or bring out all your tricks right away for the fun of it?

On the other hand, I am not ready to start dating yet. I am still dealing with the aftermath of the last relationship now. What a fucking mess. I can’t shake him, and yes, I feel bad that he is sad & lonely, but he shouldn’t have treated me so bad. What the hell was I thinking staying w/ him so long??? I was brainwashed and I’m just starting to recuperate.  

I see my therapist on Friday again. I wonder what wise words she’ll have for me this time. 

Reggie Watts jams out with one of his original songs.

(Source: Yahoo!)

Therapy, round 1…

I went to therapy today and it was great! The therapist opened my eyes to some things I needed to hear.

I am not crazy, I deserve better, and I’m not broken. My past is something I will have to deal with, but it gets easier, let yourself cry. Remember what makes ME happy in life, do those things, treat myself to happiness. Me being happy will make others happy too and love will find me in no time!

Just make time to be sad or it will build up so much that you’ll have a break down. Have a good cry once in a while. It’s ok. You’ve got to balance your feelings/emotions, you can’t hide the hurt under a smile all the time. You’ve been through something tragic and everyone grieves differently. Time helps but you must manage your pain. You’re going to be fine, you can handle this. 

So I got a raise…

which throws me into the next tax bracket, therefore I will not really make that much more. The only this will do is give me more CREDIT to buy a house but still won’t be able to AFFORD it. Great, thanks America.

In other news, tonight is therapy, if I chose to go. Not exactly excited about crying in front of people for two hours or showing up alone. Really, really not excited. Just scared and nervous. So what do I do? Go once and confirm my commitment problems for sure, or find a single therapist to listen to my bullshit for $$$$??

Is it true I can’t ignore the grieving process, I can’t keep numbing it by blocking memories? Would a 13 week course really get all this mourning out of me for good? I’m sick of crying about it, why do I need to do more of that, and in front of a group?